While having an argument with my father, in my head, I realized what my biggest fear is at the moment. I have been asked this question on many occasions without being able to provide a true answer, as it wasn’t something that I was aware of was possible.
Back to the argument, in my head, that I was having with my father. It was regarding a few of the situations that my daughter has been going through. It was going over what I wanted to say, that I remembered that I had also gone through more of the situations than I had wanted to admit.
One of the situations is about having suicidal thoughts and thoughts of suicide. For me… there are actual differences between “thoughts of suicide” and “suicidal thoughts”. Suicidal thoughts – to me – are those in which actions were taken in the form of self-harm. Whereas, thoughts of suicide are more in the form of waking dreams, or dreams themselves, not resulting in any physical scars.
I say all of this because I too have been in these situations in the past and truly understand what she is going through. I also understand the true difference between my situations and hers. This difference is my biggest fear… my intelligence.
I am not saying that my daughter isn’t intelligent; she is of course very smart, all though her motivations are lacking the inspiration to be productive. What I am saying, is that I realized that the reason that I am still here is that my ability to go through multiple scenarios for said situations, relying on different perspectives, is due to the intelligence that she is unfortunately lacking; which is what scares me.